A Weekend at Sea

Most people are driven to pen when a moment of transcendent thought or momentum strikes them. Today's entry contains none of that.

This filing will be remarkably boring. It's so boring that you'd be better off to turn on QVC right now and just order the guitar lessons from Esteban (look at that dude's fingernails and tell me he's not snorting a fistful of coke each night!). It's so boring, that you'd have a more worthwhile experience by re-reading 'Charlotte's Web.' And, believe me, it's so boring that you'd become much more enlightened by studying the inane nature of each and every word that Drew Berrymore has uttered over the past decade.

But, for those of you who've been lobotomized ...

I needed a break this weekend. Namely, a break from alcohol. At my advanced age, summer's like this just wear down my frail body. I used to have the energy of a Tijuana crack whore. Not that I was any kind of drinking champ, but if my drink of choice happened to be a available, I'd usually make an appointment with the sun and have no problem whatsoever welcoming it to my doorstep the next morning. Now, after a 10-hour binge, I can rarely figure out how a light switch works. Even then, pulling back the covers on my bed has become an epic battle of wits ... and for the past few months, the covers have emerged victorious more than I'd like to admit.

This last weekend in August offered a respite. It was weekend #3 of 4; wedged between a trip to Miami, a 3-day birthday blow-out, and (God forbid) a float trip. This would be the perfect time to allow recovery for my kidney, extended life for my bottle of Tylenol, and the chance to see what Saturday and Sunday look like when cleared of that dream-like 'haze.'

Here are the findings from this past weekend's experiment:

Insight #1 - My general reaction to a Missouri morning full of heat/humidity is the same whether I'm hung-over or not - For 2 consecutive mornings I walked out the front door and could only mumble, "fuck ..."

Insight #2 - I love to walk in the morning! In fact, I plan on conquering "The Mall Circuit" ... those prune-eating, fake-hipped, coffee-swilling geriatrics, will be blown away by my expertise, gait, and manuvureability around corners, kiosks, and janitors.

Insight #3 - It's amazing the knowledge that the Weather Channel provides when you actually pay attention instead of writhing on the couch all afternoon in agony that can only be soothed by the channel's soft voices and cozy music.

Insight #4 - It's much, much harder to make it through an entire frozen pizza than I had previously believed.

Insight #5 - R.E.M.'s 'Up' is not nearly as lacking as everyone seems to think.

Insight #6 - On another musical note ... it's so nice to go an entire weekend without hearing Weezer's 'Say It Ain't So', over jukebox speakers.

Insight #7 - Life really isn't as entertaining without alcohol fueling it. Yikes, isn't that sentence like an automatic check-in for AA?

Insight #8 - It's possible (but not easy) to make it through a weekend without adding scars/bruises to your body. And, when sober, you can actually remember how you created the ones that do get etched onto your frame.

Insight #9 - I still can't turn away from a Ron Popeil info-morcial. Is that guy not the most amazing inventor of the last half-century or what?

Insight #10 - My roommates are having waaaay more sex ... and at a higher decibel-level ... than I previously thought.

Adult view: All in all, it was nice to avoid chemical dependence this past weekend. I may have to try it again down the road ...

Adolescent's view: Still, I gotta go with John Fletcher on this one - "Best while you have it use your breath/ There is no drinking after death."

Kyle